Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
