apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
