I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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