You made me cry and you don't even care
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
