Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
