my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
