I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
