here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
