I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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