Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Randomize
