I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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