if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
