the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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