Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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