he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
