Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
This house was built for laser tag.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?