that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
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I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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