FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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