capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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