so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
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It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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