I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
