I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
