The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
