I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
