Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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