I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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