Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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