were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the liver wants what the liver wants
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize