You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
