I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
