ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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