im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We have so much sex to catch up on
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
