im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
