My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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