I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
