You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
