last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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