so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
