if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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