all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
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I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
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I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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