I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
why is half of my head shaved?
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