I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
