im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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