I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
