but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
