this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
