So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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