i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
