matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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