Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
