Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
