I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
