I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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