Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You left your underwear on the fireplace
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
