just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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