Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
