Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
