I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
